Awake in the middle of the night

As I lay awake in the middle of the night last night, thinking that 4 years ago at that time I was fast asleep, happy and still yet to know what faced me later that day sends chills down my spine. 

It's 4 years later and life moves on, people forget and people care less. Not because they're bad people but because it's human nature. Unless it happens to you, you thankfully will never understand the sheer and utter pain that comes with it. 

I hoped for it to never happen to anyone else, and unfortunately someone close to me has also had a loved one taken from them this year, suddenly and brutally. 

If this status does anything, let it be a reminder to those that yes, the pain you feel will be excruciating, it will be physical at times and you might think life is over. But you will cope, you will deal with it just like you are now. You are strong enough to overcome any dark thoughts you may have about your own life or resentment toward others. You are amazing and whilst losing someone you love so dearly is going to be the worst thing that possibly ever happens, it changes you. 

If you let the pain, hurt and anger be the forefront of your emotions, they will control and damage you. But if you take charge and grieve the way you feel fit, if you feel the pain but don't let it reside within you, instead just letting the pain be felt but move on, then I promise you will become a different person. 

My brother was murdered 4 years ago this afternoon, horrifically taken from us, his family who loved him. At times I did question was it going to tear us all apart, was the anger the most apparent of all emotions? Because let's be honest, if someone passes you feel anger, but when that person is taken from you by another human being and their actions, anger can play a huge part to your life. It can be the foundation of everything you feel and your actions after that can be dictated solely by anger and you might not even realise it. 

But anger, hate and resentment only do damage to you, yourself. Holding onto that anger in fear if you let go, you're forgetting your loved one or letting them down, is NOT the truth! Instead, letting go of anger let's you see the world more clearly for what it is. It lets you build yourself back up from what you've lost. It lets you love that person who is gone, in a totally different way. 

What's done is done, no earthly or godly creature can change that. What happens now is down to you. 

I've watched siblings lose a brother, parents lose a son and extended family and friends lose someone they loved. He was loved by all and was a great person, just like your own loved one. They wouldn't want the basis of your life to be controlled by pain, hate and anger. I know my brother wouldn't which is why I've chosen to live my life an entirely separate way to who I was before this tragedy. I don't recognise the person I was before and I'm thankful for that. 

I have a daughter and a baby on the way, they can't enter the world with a parent so full of hate they grow up seeing the world that way. My daughter and unborn child deserve the best, and the best is what I will give them. The same way my parents gave us the best, they loved us unconditionally and showed us that you have to keep living. 

In memory of my brother I will always try to help others who need help, in any way I can. I will always show love and compassion to others around me. I will not stop the fight. If my story can help one other person, then I'm happy. 

I talk daily on snapchat about personal matters and sometimes I'm asked "why?" And the answer is simple, I receive countless messages from those who have experienced something similar, thanking me for talking about whatever topic it is and sometimes asking advice! If I can give advice I give it, and if not then I try to comfort them. Recently I had a girl approach me in the street to say because of me and what I've talked about, they've taken steps to help their mental health. And that is why I do what I do!! It fills me full of joy to see others happy or creating a better life for themselves. 

We're all in this big journey together and we should all feel responsible for each other, helping one another where we see fit. Ensuring our actions and words only benefit others and never hinder another's experience of the world. The next person is just as important as you, so treat them that way. 

Kevin, you might not be here anymore but you will always be loved and will always have a voice when your family are around. We love and miss you brother x

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